I got a good workout today at the YMCA. I swam 20 laps and just about every muscle in my body was aching.

After my swim, I limped my sorry ass back to the showers singing the words to I’m coming out by Diana Ross. I was soaping up my hair because I am to cheap to buy shampoo when I drooped the soap. I look down, with one eye open in soap stinging pain and here’s what I see:

 

 

I still don’t know the name of the man who owns those extra pair of feet. I can tell you this. He is in a lot better shape than me, stronger than me and hung like a horse.

I will forever associate Calvin Kliene’s “Crave” with a painful rectum.

I had no idea that YMCA could remind me of prison so much.

 

Kelly (the chick I met from Fling) and I are still seeing each other.  She stayed the night here Friday and this morning she was laying in bed watching me when I went to the bathroom.

When I came out she was shocked at my bathroom etiquette.

I had already taken a shower earlier and made us breakfast in bed.  After eating breakfast, I cleaned up the mess and then went to the bathroom leaving the door open.  Hey, I am a guy who lives alone… I never close the door.

I washed my hands.  Then I went pee, flushed the toilet and turned of the light.

Kelly was pretty freaked out that I didn’t wash my hands AFTER I went pee.

“Why wash them before you go pee?  What’s the point in that,” she asked.

“My hands have been touching all sorts of things and they were probably dirty.  I washed them before I went pee, because I know that my penis is clean.  It hasn’t touched anything all day!” I replied.

“That’s just gross.  You went pee,” exclaimed Kelly.

“Yes… But I didn’t pee on my hands!  I peed in the toilet.  And no… I didn’t wash the toilet either!”

Ha ha ha

So what’s the big deal?  I mean if you keep it in your pants how is it supposed to get dirty?  If you touched your hands to your knees would you feel the need to wash them?  What if you touched your belly?

People are so strange!

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I remember being at the movies with a buddy of mine back when I was in high school. I met him at the theater and he had THE NASTY girl from high school with him.

Every school has one. You know, the girl that holds the title for being the MOST NASTY. Tina was that girl for my school. Rumor had it that she once put a frozen hot dog up inside her and broke it off. According to the rumor, she had to go to the hospital in order to get it out. Pretty sick stuff.

There were other stories and what not, but suffice to say that she was the queen of nasty.

So my buddy, Jay, is sitting in the middle. I am on his left and Tina - Queen nasty - is on his right. I’m watching the movie minding my own damn business when I notice that Jay has his hand down in Tina’s pants. Real nasty stuff. I would have moved except I was on the isle seat and the movie house was packed.

Jay yanks his hand up and I turn to see what happened, half wondering what foul thing he discovered and half wondering if something down there had bit him. But instead, Jay shoves that nasty finger up into my face wiping it under my nose and asking me “Does that smell right to you?”

THAT SICK BASTARD.

Like a fricking race horse I was in the bathroom washing my face so hard I left three layers of skin in that sink.

That was a decade ago now. I am sure Jay has long since forgotten all about this event. But I… I have not.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

You ever go number 2 and no matter how many times you wash your hands, if you smell your fingers you can still smell poop?

No?

Hmmm… I am guessing that’s because you don’t smell your fingers after taking a dump.

Don’t get me wrong pal, I wash my hands good. Sometimes two or three times, scrubbing them up with liquid soap until I get a good lather.  But today…  after 4 washes, I can smell stank on them. Sure, lots of perfumey soap, but stank too.

No, I don’t get my hands visibly dirty when wiping. YUCK… you have a sick mind.

So TELL ME… Is it just me, or does this happen to you too?